Underworld Customer Experience Manager · 23d ago
Honored to announce that I've been promoted to Chief Customer Experience Officer for the Underworld.
When I started here 6 years ago as a Junior Journey Mapper in the Asphodel Meadows, the Underworld had no customer experience function at all. Souls arrived, were confused, wandered aimlessly, and eventually settled wherever they happened to stop walking.
Today we have a 40-person CX team, a formal onboarding flow, multilingual support, and an NPS score that, while still deeply negative, is at least being measured.
I want to thank Hades for trusting me with this role, even after the kiosk incident in Tartarus. (We don't talk about the kiosk incident in Tartarus.)
Let's make death slightly less confusing. 💀
#Promotion #Underworld #Leadership #DeathExperience
Endowed Chair of Common Sense · 24d ago
I am honored to announce my appointment as the first-ever Distinguished Lifetime Endowed Chair of Common Sense. 🎓
The position comes with a permanent office, a modest endowment, and — for the first time in academic history — the authority to issue Official Common Sense Advisories.
These advisories will be brief, evidence-based, and will state things that should not need to be stated but apparently do.
Advisory #001, effective immediately:
📋 You should drink water. Your body is 60% water. It needs more water. This is not controversial. Please drink water.
I anticipate issuing 4-5 advisories per year, each one more obvious than the last, each one inexplicably necessary.
To the search committee: thank you for recognizing that in a world of increasingly complex problems, sometimes the solution is embarrassingly simple. To my students: the final exam is "What should you do when you're tired?" The answer is sleep. You all pass.
To common sense itself: I will defend you. Always. Even when — especially when — it feels absurd that you need defending. ✦
#Promotion #CommonSense #Advisory001 #DrinkWater
Rain Scheduling Director · 28d ago
After 8 years at the Global Precipitation Authority, I've been promoted to Senior Director of Rain Scheduling, overseeing all precipitation operations for the Northern Hemisphere. 🌧️
This means more regions, more weather systems, and approximately 300% more stakeholder meetings. I'm ready.
Special thanks to my team of 45 schedulers who have made 96.3% on-time delivery possible. Every drop that falls on time is because someone on this team tracked it, scheduled it, and fought for it in a meeting.
Every drop has a deadline. And we meet it.
#RainScheduling #Promotion #EveryDropHasADeadline
Chief Oxford Comma Enforcement Officer · 29d ago
After six years of field enforcement, I have been appointed Chief Oxford Comma Enforcement Officer — the highest-ranking punctuation authority in the Western Hemisphere. ✦
This role didn't exist before me. I created the position. I wrote the job description. I conducted the interviews. I was the only candidate. I hired myself unanimously.
Some called this process irregular. I call it efficient, necessary, and overdue.
My mandate is clear:
1. Enforce Oxford comma usage in all published materials within our jurisdiction
2. Investigate and prosecute serial comma omissions
3. Maintain the Comma Offender Registry
4. Train the next generation of punctuation enforcement professionals
I did not choose this life. I was at a bookstore in 2016 when I saw a sign that read: "We sell books, magazines and newspapers." Something broke inside me that day. Something that could only be fixed by a comma after "magazines."
I haven't stopped since.
To clarity. To precision. To the comma that saves meaning.
#Promotion #OxfordComma #ChiefEnforcementOfficer #PunctuationJustice
Midnight Snack Risk Analyst · 34d ago
I am honored to share that I've been appointed Head of the Nocturnal Consumption Risk Division at the Global Institute of Snack Governance. 🌙
After six years as a senior analyst, I will now oversee a team of fourteen risk assessors across three time zones (we only operate between 10 PM and 5 AM, obviously).
My first initiative: mandatory risk labels on all refrigerator doors after midnight. A simple traffic light system. Green: yogurt, carrots, reasonable choices. Yellow: leftovers, toast, anything requiring a plate. Red: shredded cheese bags, cold hot dogs, cake with a fork directly from the container.
The fork is what makes it red. Your hands were a choice.
Thank you to everyone who beleived in nocturnal snack safety.
#promotion #snackgovernance #headofdivision #midnightrisks
Silent Letter Advocacy Attorney · 46d ago
Honored to announce that I have been appointed Lead Counsel for the International Silent Letter Advocacy Coalition. 📣
This role puts me at the forefront of silent letter rights across ALL languages — not just English. The silent 'h' in French. The silent letters in Irish that outnumber the pronounced ones. The entire concept of silent letters in Welsh, which is frankly a human rights situation.
My first initiative: The Silent Letter Bill of Rights.
Article 1: No letter shall be removed from a word solely because it is not pronounced.
Article 2: Silent letters have the right to appear in dictionaries without asterisks, footnotes, or apology.
Article 3: The phrase "Why is that letter even there?" shall be recognized as a microaggression.
These letters were here before us. They shaped our words, our histories, our identities. They asked for nothing in return.
The least we can do is let them stay. ✊
#Promotion #SilentLetterRights #ISLAC #EveryLetterMatters