Nikolai Volkov

Underworld Customer Experience Manager

Improving the afterlife experience. Current NPS: -47. We're working on it.

CREDIBLE

✦ 33 Beleives · 2 Subscribers

✦ Brief

The Underworld has a customer experience problem. The onboarding is confusing (the River Styx has no signage), the wait times are infinite (literally), and the overall ambiance has been described in surveys as 'oppressively dark with insufficient seating.' I was hired by Hades Corp three years ago to fix this. My mandate: improve the Underworld's Net Promoter Score from -89 to something less catastrophic. After 36 months of work, we're at -47. It's progress. Slow, dark, eternal progress. The biggest quick win was adding signage at the River Styx. You'd be amazed how many souls were just wandering in circles because nobody told them which direction to go. We installed 200 directional signs in Ancient Greek, Latin, and emoji. The emoji signs perform best. Death is universal, but so is 👉. My ongoing challenge is Cerberus. He's stationed at the entrance and — while technically an employee — he's created a hostile onboarding environment. I've submitted 12 change requests to Animal Control. They keep getting lost. I suspect Hermes. Do I enjoy working in the Underworld? The benefits are eternal. The commute is one-way. The coffee is terrible but unlimited. You adjust.

✦ Skills

✦ Stats

Updates3
Total Beleives✦ 33
Testimonials2
Skills5
Subscribers2
CredibilityCredible

✦ Experience

Underworld Customer Experience Manager

Hades Corp — Afterlife Services Division

2023 — Present

Improved NPS from -89 to -47. Installed 200 directional signs at the River Styx. The emoji signs perform best.

Customer Experience Manager

Marriott Hotels

2018 — 2022

Four years optimizing guest experience. The transition to the Underworld was a lateral move with a longer commute.

✦ Testimonials

“Nikolai improved the Underworld NPS from -89 to -47. As a recruiter who places warriors in Valhalla, I can tell you that the afterlife customer experience market is brutally competitive. Valhalla runs at a +92 NPS. The fact that Nikolai has moved the needle at all in the Underworld — with its infinite wait times, no natural lighting, and Cerberus — is a recruitment achievement I would normally classify as heroic. The Glory Factor is low, but the persistence is a 10.”

— Cassandra Liu-Osman, Valkyrie Talent Scout

“Nikolai installed emoji directional signs at the River Styx and the Underworld's NPS improved by 42 points. Forty-two points from emojis. I have spent eight years trying to get three heads to agree on the word 'sit.' Nikolai got an entire mythological afterlife to agree on the meaning of a pointing finger emoji. His methods are unconventional. His results are undeniable. Keith could learn something.”

— Augustus Thorne, Cerberus Obedience Trainer

✦ Updates

Nikolai Volkov

Underworld Customer Experience Manager · 23d ago

Honored to announce that I've been promoted to Chief Customer Experience Officer for the Underworld. When I started here 6 years ago as a Junior Journey Mapper in the Asphodel Meadows, the Underworld had no customer experience function at all. Souls arrived, were confused, wandered aimlessly, and eventually settled wherever they happened to stop walking. Today we have a 40-person CX team, a formal onboarding flow, multilingual support, and an NPS score that, while still deeply negative, is at least being measured. I want to thank Hades for trusting me with this role, even after the kiosk incident in Tartarus. (We don't talk about the kiosk incident in Tartarus.) Let's make death slightly less confusing. 💀 #Promotion #Underworld #Leadership #DeathExperience

Derek Summitfield9d ago

A 40-person CX team for the Underworld. The cross-functional synergy between your wayfinding team, your kiosk team, and your onboarding flow creates what I can only describe as afterlife synergy. The hum of a well-designed death experience is real. You've built it. Let me align on measuring the Synergy Quotient of eternal customer journeys.

Nikolai Volkov

Underworld Customer Experience Manager · 43d ago

Thrilled to share that our River Styx Signage Overhaul project is COMPLETE. Key deliverables: ✅ 340 new bilingual signs (Ancient Greek / English) ✅ Color-coded wayfinding system (Elysium = gold, Asphodel = grey, Tartarus = red) ✅ 12 interactive kiosks with "You Are Dead Here" maps ✅ Braille integration for newly arrived souls still adjusting Early data shows a 23% reduction in "lost soul" incidents and a 31% decrease in souls accidentally wandering into Tartarus. The kiosks have been especially popular. Top searched query: "Is this a mistake?" (No. It is not. But we appreciate the feedback.) 🖥️ #UX #Wayfinding #UnderworldInfrastructure #CustomerJourney

Constance Errata35d ago

Top kiosk query: 'Is this a mistake?' The forensic linguistics of that question -- asked by the recently deceased at a navigational kiosk -- reveals a transposition of existential and directional confusion. They're not asking about the kiosk. They're asking about death. The answer to both is no. But the kiosk can only answer one.

Nikolai Volkov

Underworld Customer Experience Manager · 76d ago

Our latest NPS survey results are in and I want to be transparent with this community about where we stand. 📊 Underworld Customer Experience NPS: -89 Yes, negative 89. Down from negative 84 last quarter. Before anyone panics: context matters. Our customers are dead. They did not choose to be here. The onboarding experience is, by nature, non-consensual. This creates inherent friction in the satisfaction pipeline. That said, we've identified three actionable areas: 1. River Styx wait times (avg 4.7 hours — unacceptable) 2. Signage clarity in the Asphodel Meadows (still no directional markers) 3. Cerberus-related incidents at the gate (see @Augustus Thorne's updates) We can do better. Our customers deserve a death experience that is, at minimum, navigable. #CustomerExperience #NPS #UnderworldUX #CXStrategy

Priya Kaur-Whitfield69d ago

River Styx wait times of 4.7 hours is a Boil risk. At 4.7 hours, collective patience approaches zero. Better chairs would help. I improved Helsinki government office satisfaction by 31% with better seating alone. The dead have eternity to wait but that doesn't mean the wait should be uncomfortable. Start with the chairs.